Too Much Responsibility Takes All the Fun Out of...You?

I've been thinking about a conversation I had with my oldest daughter Kelsey on Mother's Day.  It was just her and I sitting in the front room at the time, talking and catching up with what's going on in her life when the subject of responsibilities came up.  I was listening intently to her.  I have always felt she takes on too much responsibility.  Then I took a look in the mirror and promptly smacked myself in the forehead because guess who she gets such a trait from?

 

I told Kelsey about being called out on one of my blog posts one time.  It was a post on having no regrets in my life.  I'd link to it but I'm too lazy.  I have come to learn I do have a regret in my life.  Oh all right, I probably have a lot of them but I'm talking about the regret I've been thinking about a lot lately.  Regret of taking on too much responsibility.  I'm not talking about responsibility as in food/clothing/shelter, those are just given, I'm talking about taking on responsibility....for everyone.  You know.  To make it easier for them.  So they don't have to worry.  "Don't worry about a thing, you can count on me."

 

Gregg has said over the years "Well one of us had to be the adult." he has also said to people "I've never worried about a thing because I knew my wife could and did handle anything that came along."  Nice right?  And before people do what they tend to do, I will say that Gregg is not irresponsible.  The man has provided for this family and done an excellent job of it for years now.  But Gregg likes to have fun.  There's little thought to it, he just does it.  "What's to think about??" he used to say to me.  Because that's what having fun is all about right?  Right.  It doesn't always have to be planned and mapped out.  I get that now.  NOW I get it.  In the past couple of years, if I want to get up and drive to Calgary for a day, there's little thought put into it.  And if I decide to stay over night?  What ever.  I can decide when the time comes.  No way could I do this a few years ago.  Everything had to be planned, kids are in activities, they're working, etc.  It was impossible.....I thought....to just wing it.  I could have really learned from Gregg.  SHOULD have learned from Gregg.

 

Some how, some where, I took on the role of having enough responsibility for the entire world.  Or at the very least, my little family of five.  No one asked me to take on this role, I told Kelsey I had done that all on my own.  One could argue that "someone had to", but I blame only myself for heaping so much responsibility on myself.   Making all the decisions.  Perhaps a shrink would say it's more about control.  I don't know, I'm no shrink.  I'm just a person trying to figure out how things may have gone terribly wrong along the way.

 

I've always been the logical, think things through, think too much, weigh the odds on how much more work this is going to cause in the long run, voice of reason, person who has had to make a lot of decisions over the years that, I feel, are now coming back to bite me in the arse.

 

I'll give you an example.  Which may be a bad example to some but good grief lighten up....I have.  Our youngest daughter turns 18 on the 17th.  I know, I'm reeling from the shock of it.  But she turns 18 on the 17th and she jokingly turned to me over the weekend and said "Are you going to come to the bar...on a particular night...with me and my friends and have a drink?" and I laughed and said "Absolutely!  I'm there."  There were shocked looks from everyone sitting at the table.  Not because of the bar thing, but because Joy actually said "Absolutely!  I'm there."  The next day on our way to a dental appointment, I asked my youngest daughter why she never asked her dad who was sitting there as well.  Because you know, as always I take on the responsibility role of not leaving dad or anyone else out.  She turned to me and said "Oh mom I KNOW dad would come, he's fun!  But you I never know about."

 

Zing.

 

Over the weekend Gregg and I were talking and at one point I asked him what he liked about me.  He turned to me and said "You are the best mother I know.  No one could have done it better then you.  I want to thank you for that."  Nice right???  I still tear up thinking about it.

 

So I do have a regret.  And I told Kelsey my regret was feeling like I had to take on so much responsibility so many years ago.  Joy's no fun....she's too busy doling out rules and being all responsible and forgetting to throw in a bit of crazy stupid fun back then as well so everyone could still see her like she really is...was...is..oh shut up.  Because now?  Now no one see's me as any other way.  Responsible?  Yes.  Fun?  Not so much. 

 

I regret that at such an early age I felt I needed to take the whole world and put it on my shoulders.  I sit here and try and think exactly when it happened too.  You know, when I started worrying more and stopped having the fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants fun I know I once had.  But things get fuzzy.  I remember being pretty carefree in junior high and high school.  Oh boy did I have fun in all the wrong ways back then.  I especially remember having a ton of fun when I got out on my own.  Lordy did I have fun.  But a different kind of fun.  A responsible fun.  Work was fun, going out to clubs, involved in different things.  Lots of fun.  I also remember having fun when Gregg and I first started going out.  Oh man was he a wild one.  Fly by the seat of his pants, wild and crazy and go, go GO!  He's still kind of like that but of course much more responsible.  I really need to listen more and just join him and stop analyzing everything to death.  Just....go....have...fun.  And have fun with the man you love!  He will show you the way!!

 

I remember being over at Gregg's Baba and Gido's one day and his Uncle and Aunt were over too.  I remember his Aunt turning to me at one point and saying "Maybe you're what Gregg needs to settle him down.  We've all worried about how wild he's been."  Maybe.  Maybe subconsciously that is when I took on the role.  Maybe subconsciously I liked the idea of being able to settle someone down.  Maybe subconsciously I liked that someone thought I could do it.  Maybe....maybe I should go find that Aunt and punch her in the teeth for putting the thought into my head in the first place.  Even though I hardly doubt it's her fault but wouldn't it be great if I could blame someone else?  Well anyway.

 

Don't get me wrong.  I have had fun in my lifetime.  Thank God for Gregg or I'd be that crazy old cat lady you read about.  But I'm at a point in my life where in five days I will have three children who are all graduated, of legal age and have the whole world ahead of them.  I honestly thought this was going to be the time where one life would end and a new life would begin for me.  You know.  No longer having to worry so much about the things I was so adamant about before.  Because I always felt I had to lead by example with influential little eyes that were following me everywhere.  The life where I no longer have to show so much responsibility.  If I want to sit at my table and get stink-eye drunk I can do it.  Because I no longer have influential little eyes watching my every move, so I can finally....FINALLY...let loose a bit.

 

Not that I would get stink-eye drunk.  This would probably be a good time to come clean and answer all the emails I was getting about how much I drink because I would joke on here, twitter and facebook about always turning to alcohol if I had a particularly hard day.  Long story short...er...long story longer...umm....long story...oh here already....biological father was an alcoholic...and because God truly does work in mysterious ways...biological father gets killed by a drunk driver.  Mother promptly hooks up with alcoholic step-father who make our lives a living hell.  Alcohol?  Rarely passes these lips.  Except for the very odd Caesar or a coffee and Bailey's after supper when we're out at a restaurant because there is nothing finer in this world then a coffee and Bailey's after supper when you're out.  Amen.

 

So it's a time in my life where "I" finally feel I can actually let my hair down, let loose a bit and do all the things I've ever wanted to do but was too worried to do for fear I would be a bad influence on my children.  Join Gregg and start having some good old fun!  You know what the problem is though?  I've spent so many years not letting loose or letting my hair down that everyone thinks I'm still the person I used to be.  Which apparently is a big ole chubby stick-in-the-mud.  When I say I'm excited to start having fun, my son will tease and say something like "Ya right mom.  What are you going to do?  Take a grape and put it in your mouth at the grocery store?  Ooo what a rebel."  To which I reply "Well.  MAYBE!!"  Although I would never because people sneeze and do things like wipe their bums and then handle produce and....

 

The fact is, one person's daring, exciting fun may not be another person's daring, exciting fun.  But I do know I took on a role a long time ago and felt I had to live a very low key lifestyle in order to show my children you could still have fun without hurting those around you or getting sent to jail or worse.  I may not have been the party animal a lot of my kid's friends moms were, but, but, well I baked cookies?  Groan.

 

The great thing about me, if I do say so myself, is I learn.  Which means where ever my life takes me from here on out, I want to have fun doing it.  I'm not talking about going out and getting eight piercings in my nose or covering my entire body in tattoos....but if you do that then I think eight piercings in a nose and entire body tattoos are awesome....I'm simply talking about having fun.  The no worrying or taking responsibility for anyone else but me kind of fun.  Lord knows I've waited a very long time.  I'm proud when my family tells me I've done a good job...as a mom.  But because of me, some where...some how...they lost sight of how much more I was...am.

Comments

[Dawn on MDI]

beautiful post, Joy. Absolutely beautiful. The best writing in the world comes from the gut, from that place where we are vulnerable, where we speak aloud the things we only think in darkness. I look forward to watching and reading about your coming evolution. Good for you!

[junebug]

I think you're a whole barrel of fun!

[Aoj & The Hounds]

Oh I can so relate to that post Joy.

I have one of those little desk calendars on my ermmm...desk, funnily enough....that has a little quote for each day. A few years ago I turned the page and read the quote:

"For peace of mind, resign as General Manager of the Universe."

I tore it out and stuck it on the wall above my desk to remind me that I cannot take responsibility for everyone and everything. It helped but I still need reminding from time to time.

[Karen]

Wow, Joy! This post spoke to me in so many ways and what an ephiphany it must have been to you to write it. Let's both go out there and have some fun now!

[Deb]

I got half way through this post and sat here and cried.... I felt as if I was reading about me. I hear it, have heard it all the time. She won't do this or that... she isn't any fun... rules rules rules... strict... someone has to take resposibility for it all.

ok... better go back and finish reading.

[~Sheryl]

You are very insightful, my friend. I love how you look inside (sometimes long and hard looks inside) and then you put it out there. I think you are an amazing person. Thanks for sharing, that was very responsible of you… um… oh nevermind.

[Deb]

I have to stand up and applaud you for realizing this and posting it...
I raise my cup of coffee to you and toast the person you are/were/will be again.
I have to remind myself that I too have a similiar person buried deep inside that will one day come out and surprise everyone...

thank you!

[Beckie]

I know how you feel...

Joy - you're gonna have a blast no matter what you do because it will be what YOU want to do - live life.

Love ya!

[Pamela]

barrel of fun, ME2. Except I just became the barrel.

you know - some of the stuff you've told us about your childhood really explains why you are they way you are or were the way you were.

Just think -- you could have gone the same way as your parent. You were resilient and changed your destiny.

[Jeanne]

What a heartfelt post, Joy! I sure can relate to much of what you said. Thanks for always putting your heart and soul into your posts. Now, GO GIRL, go out and have some fun!!

[kitten/katie]

You just smaked me in the head! LOL!

[belleek]

you wrote a lot! I give up at about para 4!

Joy says: Guess I didn't make it interesting enough. Best to give up then.